The Need to Feel Seen
a part of Excerpts from the Heart
Sometimes the need to feel seen is so great that it overpowers all else. It overpowers our common sense, our ambitions, our sense of being. And we get so entrenched in this one need, that it engulfs us. So much so that we can't even see the hole we've dug ourselves in. It's all we know. We can't remember our past selves outside of it.
----------------------
The need ebbs and flows.
We probably felt the need to a painful degree at some point throughout elementary to high school. We wanted friends and wanted to fit in. It's natural. But I think how those years panned out for us might actually be a tell-tale sign of how much we crave the validation now as adults.
Perhaps if we were successful in gaining that external validation via wearing the latest brands, having the newest phone, etc, we'd be inclined to keep seeking these modes of being seen. At the end of the day, we are animals, and we learn through repeated behaviors. We got compliments for something, so we'll keep doing it - to a fault. And then we might accidentally tie our worth to those compliments, because they brought us confidence and approval in a really vulnerable (probably moody and pubescent) time. Childhood is a perfect ground for breeding these needs, but it's a limited example and not every kid like that craves attention the same way as an adult (hopefulllly). The same type of "validation need" can be bred at a toxic work environment, or the microcosm of some friend group or brunch bunch.
Whatever it is, we want acknowledgement - someone to look at us and tell us, "Yes, you did it! That was a step in the right direction!" And this makes sense, given how much we dislike uncertainty. Yes, some people have learned to embrace the unknown! But for those who haven't, the dislike doesn't always come from the same vein. Uncertainty can waste time, it can dismantle your sense of control, it can leave you in mental limbo... the list of reasons to loathe it goes on and on. So it's nice to have justification here and there to give us sanity in our decisions and confirm that we aren't doing things that are purely non-sensical. Most normal people want this.
I've definitely had nice spells of time in which external approval didn't matter to me. I was happy without it - or maybe my mind was preoccupied with something else so I didn't care about it. Regardless, I can't seem to remember what about those times made this stupid, silly mind-choking "need to feel seen" dissipate. I'm hungry for it now. I'm hungry to stop checking my social media, my texts, my emails, my mailbox. It's not that I'm unhappy right now though. I'm happy! But despite all the fulfillment I have in my personal life, there's still a cavity I feel every time red bubbles don't emerge around my iPhone apps after a midday nap.
If this was a novel you'd read in the years before it became your mom's favorite Netflix movie, the conclusion might have been, "and then she realized to stop caring about how much others saw her, she had to see herself first," and yeah, that'd would be nice and sweet and maybe you need to hear that right now.
But I don't know. Sometimes you can "see" yourself for all that you are, in all of your narcissistic, self-absorbed glory and think, "Maybe it's not that bad, wanting to be seen." It's like that saying - dance like you would if everyone was watching - because God knows you'd be sloppy if no one was.
---------------------
Thank you for reading! This was my first time posting something like this. As a writer, you don't owe anyone an explanation for what you put out there. I still feel the need to justify my work sometimes. And even saying this much is a cry to do so, but I'll try to leave more of my writing up for interpretation and end my sentence here. But by all means DO reach out (comment, dm, whatever) and let me know your thoughts! Cheers, Niki
Comments
Post a Comment
Was this notable? Let me know!